Yogini Confession: I'm Not Exactly Vegetarian

I eat meat. I am a yogini that eats meat on occassion. Whew. There I've said it, but this is not where the story begins.

I am 35 years old and I am overweight. I have considered myself overweight for many, many, many years now. Perhaps the thought that comes to mind is, "Well, she must be lazy. She has no will power. She doesn't love herself enough to take care of herself." Maybe there is some truth in each of those statements... and maybe there is none.

Yes, I have made the attempt year after year to lose weight, get thin, etc., etc., etc. Yet, here I am today... 35 and still overweight.

I can remember as a young child being very thin. I remember being very picky about my food. I remember having no concern about the fact if I was underweight or overweight... and then it changed. If memory serves me right, I can recall at 6th grade thinking I was fat. I remember looking at my hips and thinking they were huge in comparison to the other girls. I don't know if there is discussion or education about this with kids today, but I was completely ignorant of the fact that no 2 bodies are alike... that we are each unique and different in who we are. I remember wearing those damn gym shorts that felt like my ass and hips were stretching them to their limit and I can recall constantly tugging on them trying to pull them down... you know, to hide my huge hips... thunder thighs... all of those lovely (can you feel the sarcasm dripping from my words) terms we so carelessly throw about when referring to someone that is what we might consider less than ourselves.

Years later, I believe I was in college, I came across an old track picture from my 6th grade year and stood in utter shock and amazement because the girl looking back at me was not fat, not walking around with big hips... the girl staring back at me was exactly the frame she should've been at that age. And this has been the pattern every year hence. So, yes, it is disturbing to know what the possibility may be should I continue down this road. But what changed? Was it all those fashion magazines I read? Was it all the pretty, perfect people I'd see on TV? Was it something more?

Fast forward to July of 2007... the beginning of my journey into yoga. I started yoga to gain back the flexibility I enjoyed from my earlier years of dancing. I took my first yoga class as a form of exercise. I kept returning class after class. I was receiving the physical benefits of yoga practice, but began to notice there was more to what I was doing than just the physical practice. I was getting stronger, more flexible, gaining balance... but I was also feeling more relaxed, more focused... and eventually, I came to a place where I loved myself. That may sound corny, but so what. Yoga brought me to a place where the low self-esteem I had for my body had risen to one that I could stand in front of a mirror and not hate what I was looking at.

Today. Today finds me in yet another struggle because here I am a yoga teacher that is not the portrayal of those perfect cover models on magazines like Yoga Journal. I have great respect for YJ and the articles which are written. Sometimes, though, I wish they'd put a "real" body right smack dab on the front cover. I'm just saying... ya know?

So here I am a yoga teacher that is overweight... and that eats meat. I can hear the collective gasp of yogis around the world. I've gone vegetarian off and on since 2007. Am I less of a yogini because I do that which yoga tells me I'm not supposed to do? Do I now allow the one thing that taught me to love and appreciate the person that I am bring struggle into my life? I know all the reasons why I should be a vegetarian (ahimsa, environmental reasons, health reasons... yes I know them). I know the shoulds and shouldn'ts. But all the should-a, could-a, would-a's will make not a difference until I face the reason(s) for my relationship to eating and food.

You see, if it was as simple as knowing that I should eat all the right foods, that I should exercise more, that I should do this and shouldn't do that... well, it would stand to reason that I would be the perfection of health today. Well, I think, and this is my own personal opinion, that you can't package it up into a nice, big bow and tell me to eat this and do that and expect the perfect outcome. We are ALL different. What works for one may not work for another. Something, somewhere in my past brought me into my unhealthy relationship with food and eating. I know that now.

Letting go of what I thought everyone thought I should be and even what I thought I should be... giving myself a clean slate to start with... and opening myself up to any and all possibilities brought me to yoga. Then I realized... so, too, can this be done now as I open myself to understanding the past and allowing myself to move forward to a healthier me... whatever that may be... vegetarian or not.