Face the Fear and Go Free-Wheeling!

First, let me begin this by saying that I believe yoga isn't about showing off my ability to do some complicated pose. In reality, most of the advanced poses are quite difficult for me so I tend to stick to basic postures. With that said, there is MUCH to be gained from having a practice strong in the basic poses. I have gained much insight in sitting still in Dandasana, Staff Pose, or standing tall in Virabhadrasana I, Warrior I. I have found comfort retreating within in Balasana, Child's Pose, and I have encountered laughter and humility in Vrksasana, Tree Pose.

As I grow in my yoga practice I find myself wanting to learn more... and wanting to face my fears. What is it about Wheel Pose that scares me? What is it about Headstand that keeps me from practicing it? I look to my yoga practice to help me discover who I really am. I come to my mat to meet the real me. I certainly gain the benefits of the physical practice ~ more flexibility, increased strength, etc. But when I open myself up to something greater than the physical practice, when I open myself up to allowing the lesson to come... I give myself the opportunity to know the deeper part of me. What a gift to know that in being still and listening, through the passage of the silence, there is wisdom... there is the answer. When was the last time you took time to slow down? I mean really slow down. As expressed by Oriah in The Invitation, "I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments." My yoga practice is about going within to the deepest parts of myself that I tend to keep hidden, to those parts of myself that I find fault with... to go there, come back and be able to express, "Yes, I still love myself." That's what my practice means to me. What does yours mean to you?

Urdhva Dhanurasana, Upward Bow or Wheel Pose. In my 4 years of practicing before today I can easily count the times I have practiced this pose. Assisted - once. Unassisted - zero. Well, if you count the times I've practiced with the support of a ball underneath... maybe 4 or 5 times. I can recall sitting in teacher training at Yoga Yoga, a total newbie practitioner amongst long-time practitioners, and watching my fellow classmates effortlessly press themselves into Upward Bow. Feelings of, "You've got to freaking be kidding me if you think I'm going to do that!" mixed with emotions of that little girl within me saying, "I remember when I used to do that. Don't I think I can do it again?" But the fear was there. The fear of not being flexible enough, of my arms & legs not being able to support my weight, of being overweight and thinking it wasn't possible for someone like me that was... ahem, padded around the edges. All the negative talk settled in and I let it override any thought I may have had about being able to do the pose. I did get an assist from a teacher once and was able to do it with help. I was just never brave enough or sure enough to do it on my own. Do you hear that? "Can't, can't, can't. Won't won't won't." How many times do we get in our own way and talk ourselves out of something that, most of the time, we CAN do?

Fast forward to today, Sunday, August 22nd, 2010 ~ the 1st weekend of training with Ashley Ludman of Seaside Yoga. As we neared the end of the morning asana practice Ashley remarks, "And now we're going to practice Urdhva Dhanurasana." And I say, "Is that the one that goes like this (using my index finger to create a half-moon shape to indicate what I'm already fearing it is)." Ashley: "Yes, that one." And who gets to be the student used for the demo??? Moi! Eek! My monkey mind was now talking at super sonic speed, "No, you can't! Yes you can! What about this? What about that? Are you sure? I don't know!" And on and on it would've gone... except it didn't.

It is these moments in my life that I am most thankful for. When I am given that, what I like to call, Love-Push (kind of like a love pat... only stronger) into crossing over that boundary of fear. It's like when my good friend, Lee, Love-Pushed me into singing (live... just me, the mic and Lee playing his acoustic guitar) for the first time. Talk about conquering some major fears... I did it! It was great! And afterwards, I felt so alive and empowered like I could take on the whole world! What a gift!! This Love-Push is never felt as forcing me to do anything that I don't want to do. I have every right to say, "No," and I know my desire would be respected. I didn't stop and I pressed on because I knew of the support that was beside me. And so it was the same today. I knew I had the guiding hands of Ashley and the support of the kula to help raise me through my fears. I took hold of Ashley's ankles as directed, lifted my hips, came onto the top of my head... then there was the deciding moment... come back down or go for it? "Go for it!" Guiding hands, support of the kula... and whoosh! there I was free, open, expanded in Upward Bow!! And I must say, the clapping hands of the kula raised my smiling, joyous heart to another level! Thank you to Ashley and the kula for the support. And, well, yeah, thank you to me for believing and trusting that Yes, I can do it!!

What did I learn? That my fears will stop me from my desires. That by asking for help from others I can move forward. That I am stronger than I believe myself to be. That a girl with "extra padding" CAN do a pose like upward bow... and many other things, too! I have to believe in myself, appreciate who I am... allow and let the journey unfold.

And now comes the refining. Now comes further exploration. Now come the subtle adjustments and the deeper questions. But for now, for this moment, I will sit still and simply be present in the happiness of re-connecting with the joy of my inner child and feeling that expression through the heart of who I am today.